Wednesday, September 14, 2011
there's a glitch in the grid
Well, where to begin? So I just spent the last 2 hours working on my first real electronic design assignment. It was not fun. The actual assignment was pretty simple. All I had to do was code my resume in html5 in BBedit. Totally simple. However, after that I had to upload it to my personal webspace provided to me courtesy of the generosity of the University of Baltimore. This is where things got a little tricky. My prof did not mention that I would have to activate it first. I just assumed that when I added the html doc to my myfiles online that it would just work. I had to search all over the UB website to figure this out. Anyways I activated the fucker but apparently I have to wait up to 30 minutes for it to be authorized. I'm probably just gonna upload it in the morning since the hard part is now over and at the very worst I can call the school tech support tomorrow. Well now that that is taken care of onto the fun stuff. This Evan stuff has to come to an end because it is just stressing me out too much. I'm really going to try and make this friendship work. I don't even know why my feelings are so hurt, I'm the one that wanted to break up in the first place. I guess its kind of a blow to my ego that he replaced me so quickly. C'est la vie. I'm going to take a page out of Sam's book on this one and just focus on positive things. And what is the positive aspect of this situation? I get to keep a close friend and that is pretty cool. Lolz Judy Blume much? Speaking of Sam we spoke briefly over text last night. I texted him to let him know that Gucci was sentenced to 6 months for pushing a woman out of a speeding car. Now this is how paranoid I am about our new fragile friendship. I texted him and he didn't text me back for a while. Now, unlike a normal person who would've probably just assumed that he was busy, or out, or his phone was off I stressed out for 2 hours and then texted him that I was sorry for bothering him. He immediately got back to me and said that he was sorry he had been out but and thanks for letting him know. All perfectly normal yet I was sweating bullets about it. I'm definitely going to try and take a chill pill about this whole thing. If it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and I just have to live with that. To think of where we were last year and where we are right now I should just be content with the strides I've made. I really do need to relax about all of this stuff. Anyways I was invited to Simi's birthday party next week. I really want to go and see everyone but I'm honestly not sure that I should go. Yes I was invited but I'm really more of a friend of a friend and now that I'm not with Evan I don't know how tenuous that relationship is. As far as I'm concerned it's still up in the air and I probably won't know until the day of. I called Lindsay and asked what she thought. She said that if I want to go I should and just stay for like 30 min or an hour. Just stop by, say hi to everyone, mooch some freeze pops and leave with my dignity. Fuck it, I'll figure it out later I'm probably just over thinking everything again. XXXO
4 O'clock in the fucking morning
So here I am lying in bed, can't sleep. Texted a little with Sam tonight which was nice. I really want to hangout with him but I don't want to push anything. Told Evan I want my stuff back so we're supposed to meet up Friday to exchange things. Don't know how I feel about it. Don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm not really sure what direction I need to be going in. This post is pretty boring, I know, but I just felt like scrawling some nonsense into the ether. Haven't written my Obama article yet which means I'll have to do it in the morning. Got 2 cute shirts at H&M yesterday. A purple polo and a long sleeved grey pullover thing. Weight was at an all time low this morning: 222. Jesus, when I write it down like that it seems so big but it's really not I suppose. According to my calculations I have lost 28 lbs since winter. Next step is to buy some good denim. Like some really good fucking denim. Typing that out just made me giggle a little, not sure why. Does this count as stream of consciousness f I'm just typing whatever comes to mind? And if it does does that make me like Wheezy? Hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like if I was more like Lil Wayne. I guess I'd be rich and famous and I could act as ridiculous as possible and people would fucking love me for it. I wore the white shorts I bought from abercrombie today. The finally fit and the waist is 36 so I must be doing something right.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Season Finale
UGhhhhh...I suck at this. Why am I jealous that Evan is going on dates with someone? Actually that's really easy because I'm alone. I know how petty that makes me sounds but I guess I'm just petty then. We're actually having a long conversation about it right now. This whole thing is just depressing. I honestly didn't think this through, I don't know why I thought that we would be able to keep acting the way we were forever. I just get so used to people and situations that when they are altered I really have trouble dealing with it. I need someone like Meredith here right now. We'd probably get into some goofy shenanigans by now that would make me feel better. But I digress.
So the True Blood season finale was tongiht (hence the blog title) and it did not disappoint. I was trying to come up with puns about how it didn't "suck" but I guess that would've been too obvious. On a side note I've been thinking about Geo and freshman year a lot lately.
But seriously how fucking cute is that? Sometimes I think he's like my fairy godfather (pun unintended). Every now and then when I'm down Geo sends me some kind of wisdom. TYFYT.
So the True Blood season finale was tongiht (hence the blog title) and it did not disappoint. I was trying to come up with puns about how it didn't "suck" but I guess that would've been too obvious. On a side note I've been thinking about Geo and freshman year a lot lately.
Sean McDonoughposted toGerard Romantique
Gerard Romantique ♥. But the person you miss is gone now. This new version of me is quite fun, tho!!! ;-) Hope you're well, lover.8 minutes ago ·
But seriously how fucking cute is that? Sometimes I think he's like my fairy godfather (pun unintended). Every now and then when I'm down Geo sends me some kind of wisdom. TYFYT.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
10 hours later
So I worked from 10:40am until 9:15pm. I'm so tired and I have to be back tomorrow. The only reason I agreed to do this is because Erin's wedding is next Saturday and I needed the hours. Speaking of I cannot wait for this wedding. Lindsay is my plus 1 and it should be a really fun night. It's at Hilendale of course so I'm sure everything will be more than adequate. So I talked to Sam 2 nights ago. I think it went really well. We sort of just caught up and I got to apologize over the phone and I've never said it to him before. I told him about Dawn and Jen and we shared a laugh. He said that it was really nice so I'm pretty happy. Seeing as we haven't seen each other or spoken in year and a half it was pretty cool. To be honest I'm terrified of fucking this up. He said he doesn't hate me he just doesn't know how to be friendly with me. I totally understand that but I'd like to hangout sometime in the near future. UB is going well I guess. In Electronic Design my prof shut down this weird older black guy who was trying to pick a fight wit him. I bummed a cig off this nice girl. I think her name is Maleek (BTW: I think this is Khloe Kardashian's best friends name so that's pretty cool(update: actually KK's friends name is Malika but that's pretty close)). We talked about Tim Burton and she told me that I'm just a baby when I said I felt super old at 24. It made me feel a littler better. Lost a little bit more weight which I'm happy with. Would like to lose another 15lbs and tone up by Christmas. The season finale of True Blood is tomorrow and I'm post excited. Boardwalk Empire starts really soon and I can't wait for that either. I guess that's all I've got for right now.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
stranded in gayville
Evan just told me that he went on a date with someone last night. And they are already writing cute gay nonsense on each others wall. I threw up immediately after finding out. Not sure why. I'm not sick it was just kind of a shock and I couldn't help myself. I thought we could stay really close and good friends but I'm not sure I can handle it now. I didn't really think this far down the road and I doubt I'll be capable of interacting pleasantly with his boyfriend should he go that route. Oh well. Eekster beekster.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
garbage song title
It's raining...I'm getting ready for work and just thought I'd post something small before I have to leave. I need to find some new friends ASAP. I don't know how much time I'm going to be hanging out with Evan and the other bros at 2K now that we've legit broken up. Jess and I are cool which is good but I still want some other stuff to do. Grrr do not want to go to work right now, Jerry's the manager which is going to be lame. Oh well. TTFN
Monday, September 5, 2011
One day someone will read this blog and my diary and wonder about my descent into madness. The next year and a half is so crucial to the rest of my life and I'm tremendously nervous about all of it. I have to do really well at UB. Evan and I are officially over now. I'm not sure how to feel about it. We're still really close which is great but I wish I could've been the person he really needed. I miss Sam. It's weird putting that down in writing but it's true. I keep hoping that one day he'll call me out of the blue and we'll be able to start over. I wish my past was different. I know they say you shouldn't wallow in your mistakes and to just move forward but it's so hard sometimes. I'm really proud of where I am now. I keep looking forward but I can't get past him either. I know that I don't want to. I keep clinging to the idea that this will work itself out and we'll find each other again and that he'll forgive me. I don't know if this is going to happen or not and my stomach fills with knots with that thought. I'm consumed with fear that I really did go to far and he won't be able to get past it. I can understand if he can't because I know how awful I was but I'm still scared. I've built this imaginary life in my head and some of the pieces are falling into place but not all of them. I'm trying to keep faith but it gets harder everyday.
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