Moo Years

Disregard that last post. I'll be completely honest I had a mini breakdown. I know many of you see me as a towering pillar of masculinity but I actually had a nice long cry. Oh and this wasn't like cinematic single tears glistening on my cheeks either. I'm talking about a really ugly, gross cry with the heaving and the snot and everything. I was just feeling really overwhelmed today and it suddenly came over me. I'm feeling good though, 2012 is going to be my year, I can fucking feel it. Expect a much longer post, maybe later today, I want to recap my 2011. You won't want to miss it, there's going to be a little something for everyone.

Just a heads up I'm thinking about discontinuing blogging. It just seems pretty fucking pointless to continue updating 2 people about the non-existent interesting things I don't do. I'm feeling very disillusioned and disenchanted to be honest. Things aren't really working out the way I thought they would. Life sucks. So do I. So does this blog.

I know I haven't blogged for real in a while but I promise I'll do something this week. I've just been feeling "meg" in general. Oh and I meant "meg" not "meh", as in I've been feeling like Meg Ryan after she fucked up her career and nobody likes her anymore.

Got a tattoo today.
ouch.

Oh and it's Christmas, even my usual greed and selfishness doesn't feel as good as it normally does.

I need a fucking reality check.

Goddamn I'm so hood

pandamonium

I'm so sick and tired of all these pictures of me (not)

T.G.I.F.

It's Friday night.
I'm home alone eating candy and rereading The Bonfire of the Vanities and listening to Cinema on repeat.
...
Yeah, it's like that.

News Flash

I have to go to work in an hour, barf, I have a little bit of a sinus infection and I'm trying to finish a term paper. However, I got my grade yesterday for my huge Communication Technologies term paper...276/300!!!!!! That translates to a 92% which is fucking amazing. I really thought I dropped the ball so it's a relief getting that grade. In other news Sam's present gets here on Friday and it's beyond amazing. I'm pretty proud of myself for this one I just hope he likes it as much as I do. With so much good going on right now it pains me to admit that one friends is being less than friendly. I don't really care about it though I'm just going to continue to focus on me and all the great stuff that is happening right now.

took this in class last week

Day 16

Rainy days and Mondays...how does that song go? Oh well it's a rainy Tuesday anyways. Unfortunately Sandy is in Myrtle beach with my counselor Sue (who is in fact a large lady loving lady herself, I'll alert the media) so tonight's speakers were nothing special. We had an abysmally long men's group with the EMRD guy before going to the "lunch bunch" for an outside meeting. The highlight was the usual pizza which was like a delicious mouthful of freedom. Dustin's "fare thee well" was today as he is leaving tomorrow. Definitely going to miss him, my original group is shrinking by the day. I've been so sleepy lately, I guess that's what happens when my blood isn't 50% Svedka. I received a delightfully serious and encouraging letter from Aunt Kathy and she totally knows her shit as she is 5 years clean. We watched a very long and very boring movie called "Clean and Sober" which starred Micheal Keaton, Morgan Freeman, and the slutty divorcee from "Edward Scissorhands". That's all I got.

Day 15

Score! I'm past the halfway mark and heading towards the finish line (ED: I just reread this for the first time in I don't know how long, who the fuck am I Lance Armstrong?) We had an extended accu-detox session with Sue's mentor Teal. Seriously this bitch is named Teal...just let that sink in for a minute. I really prefer Teal's pinning method, she just sort of slides the needles in and is much more gentle. We also did PTSD visualization meditation which I liked a lot. I went on a trip through my heart (literally). My dad dropped off cigarettes and shaving cream thank God. I got a card from my mom and a letter from my dad. In his letter he laid down the law but it's reasonable and understandable. Besides, I need to let go of my crazy bullshit anyway. We had a great speaker tonight who sold the siding off of his trailer for drug money. Thankfully I never reached that point, but then again I've never had a trailer to sell siding off of so who knows. Seriously cannot wait to go home, 3/8 can't come soon enough.
(ED: okay so this entry had a ps to it but you aren't going to read it. I know I try to be all about artistic honesty and all that bullshit but it's super personal and I can't bare to have anyone read it. I'm sure you'll get over it dear reader. Stay tuned though I'm sure my personal foibles and and faux pas's will be enough to keep you entertained.)

Day 14

What's up diary? Hard dicks and helicopters (that's what everyone here says). I've officially hit the halfway point! Thank Christ too because I cannot wait to get out of here. Both of my parents came today and we had a great time. I'm so happy that I got to see my dad, we were laughing a lot. He said that my court date is 4/20, figures right? But he said that he would take care of everything. My car is all fixed up and he's getting the tags tomorrow which is extra spicy. Arghh I want to go home so badly. I can't believe I haven't had a phone or internet for 2 weeks. I'm afraid to see how many messages I have since I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I bet people think I died or something.

Day 13

So today was Saturday and the big event was art therapy. We had four panels and our choice of medium to depict our life story...fuck me gently with a chainsaw, if you could see my face right now. I chose watercolors. Talked to my parents and checked my voice mail. I had 2 messages from Meredith's dad and 1 from her brother. Apparently she lost her phone and they didn't know where she was. It sounded serious and I'm worried but hopefully everything turned out okay. Maybe Mer will be checking into PRC pretty soon. That's about it because today was boring as shit. Luckily I get to see both of my parents tomorrow. Side note, I am running dangerously low on cigarettes (ED: hey this is Sean from the future or present or wherever the fuck I am right now but I just want to let my faithful readers know that in my original hand written entry it took me 3 tries to spell cigarettes correctly, seriously I crossed out 2 attempts before figuring it out.) Also Aunt Kathy has been checking up on me which is sweet because she came through here 5 years ago and has been sober ever since.

Day 12

T.G.I.F. bitches! Not really because weekends are the most boring time here. Today was the usual, we went to a lunch bunch A.A. meeting and they told the same old stories but oh well. We had Mike's "fare thee well" today and he left around 8:00 PM. Definitely going to miss him he was a cool guy. I've been giving Jess a hard time, telling her fucked up stuff to do to me but she always laughs (interjection: my roommate and Chris are doing pushups and talking about "bomb-ass" pussy. Yikes). Dan is so fucking gross and totally retarded, he's like a giant dumb ape. The new people are a mix of cool and totally lame. Honestly, not that much has happened toady. Can't wait for phone time tomorrow and Sunday (I must not call him).

Day 11

So today was pretty good. We had an outside meeting in Havre de Grace (barf) to celebrate CPA Kris's 13th anniversary of sobriety. She was really happy and it was great to be able to share it with her. I'm in a much better mood I got a card from Memom and the best letter from my dad. He took off the protective order so I am legally allowed to go back in the house and he can't wait to see me on Sunday! The new people are cool, Rusty was my spades partner and we did really well. Also Dustin and I talked a lot and he's really cool, we actually know a bunch of the same people. This one new older guy is totally gross I could die. Talked a lot about the 9th step which is about making amends. I miss Sam. I'm such a fuck up it makes me sick. Hindsight is truly 20/20. Maybe one day...but I have no one to blame but myself. Week 2 is almost over thank God because I'm really missing home.

Day 10

So it's day 10 and cabin fever has officially set in. I feel great I'm just getting a little restless but I'm sure it will pass. Today we played Wii again and Chris handed me my ass in tennis. We had the normal group stuff and accu-detox. We got a ton more people and guess what? I finally have a roommate, lucky me. His name is Taylor and he was here before me and got kicked out for the infamous shaving cream incident. But not he's back with a vengeance. Oh and he used to shoot black tar heroin. Gloria leaves tomorrow and that sucks the rigid cock of satan. We watched a "recovery comedian". He was a little funny and a lot lame. Sue gave me a list of Baltimore county meetings and there's a couple right on Paper Mill Rd. so that's a very good thing. I'm positive that I'm going to quit Bill Kidd's, it's just such a negative environment. I'm probably fired anyways not that it matters. The only person I would miss is Deneen. Playing spades now so I"ll catch up with you tomorrow. One more thing, I'm actually feeling kind of down. I feel left out and I really miss home. On the verge of misery. Think positive.
PS: I wonder if he knows where I am.

Day 9

Today was Tuesday and you know what that means: my favorite speaker Sandy! But more on that later. This morning we went to an outside meeting at the Manhouse. After the A.A. meeting we had Gloria's "fare thee well" and it was pretty amazing hearing her life story and it really nailed it in that I'm going to miss her. Mike bailed on kitchen duty so I did it myself and it really wasn't that big of a deal. We watched "Regarding Henry" starring America's sweetheart Harrison Ford. It was kind of a downer but ultimately uplifting I suppose. Oh, but on the plus side Mr. Ford showed some restraint and dint' go full retard. Sandy came in with a woman named Dawn, in fact she's the only Dawn I've ever liked. She had an amazing story about crack and whatnot. The new people are post lame so far especially the guy Dan. He always has some gross shit in the corner's of his mouth. Watching "Talladega Nights" now, catch you on the flip side.

Day 8

So today begins week 2 here at PRC. Amanda leaves tomorrow at 6:00 AM which sucks. Amanda looks just like Nicole Richie but she's a crackhead, so actually they have that in common. We got three new people today, two older sad looking women and this younger guy Dan. Apparently he's already been to PRC twice before. He sort of lied about detoxing so they gave him Valium and he is capital "F" fucked up. He said that he spent $5,000 at the Gold Club the other night and I don't doubt that, he seems like the kind of person who would do that. Oh and Chuck went to the hospital again because they wouldn't give him the pills that he wanted. We had a men's gender group that focused on post-treatment relationships and how they can trigger use. It's certainly something to think about, oh wait I don't have a relationship. Hip hip hooray...not! Had the usual groups and the sober living is really starting to sink in. Everyone says that after the 2nd week the time goes by pretty quickly. I can't wait to get home but being here right now is completely necessary. I think we have an outside meeting tomorrow so I'll pick there.
PS: Amanda told me this once: "Where there's coke there's crack and where there's crack there's me!"
She really loves her crack.

Day 7

Today was family day and my mom came. Bill, the speaker, hauled ass out of there as it's Valentine's day so we got about an hour and a half to talk and hangout. My mom commented that it was probably the most we had talked in like a year. I was great to see her and just talk. We hugged thrice and she headed out but she'll be back with my dad next Sunday. Krystle left just before the meeting started. Tonight our A.A. meeting was lead by a really great guy. He spent 25 years in maximum security prison for 3 murders. He killed people that had killed his mother. He was one of the most humble people I've ever met. Well not that much to talk about as we're playing spades right now.

Day 6

You'd think that on Saturday we would get to do something fun, but alas, this was not the case. In fact today was an excruciating and seemingly never ending exercise in boredom. We had a very long three hour group about relapse prevention. I'm becoming redundant but the speaker was putting everybody to sleep. Luckily during the session I got to make my weekly 10 minute phone call. I managed to check my voice mail (4 messages!) and call Lindsay, my mom, and my dad. One of the speakers at tonight's A.A. meeting killed someone once driving drunk: seriously scary stuff. Krystle leaves tomorrow and I am sad. So many people leave this coming week that they better ship in some new crazies. Meredith left me a really distraught and touching message. I feel terrible that I couldn't tell her myself what was going on. I miss her but hopefully she is drink some chartreuse for me. My mom is coming tomorrow for family day.

Day 5

Today was pretty uneventful. We did 3 "fare thee wells" today for Krystle, Bill, and Mike (the tattooed sexy one). I'm sad to see all 3 of them go, especially Krystle she's totally my buddy. We went out today for an A.A. meeting at the Manhouse (sound like a gay bath house, I know). Diane is starting to be quiet and she is sticking to herself. I think she knows that nobody really likes her. Three guys with not that much sober time came in tonight for another meeting. All three seemed pretty miserable and unenthusiastic but they might have been nervous as two of them were really young. I got a card from my mom in them ail which really made me feel good. She was so sweet and it's great to read that she still believes in me. Chuck had to go to the hospital during our Fr. Mark video. He hasn't been getting better but he probably just wanted to score some Valium. Jealous. Well we're watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" so I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

Day 4

Today was kind of boring. Craig left and a few people were upset but honestly I wasn't too sad to see him go. He was kind of a reminder of the person I don't want to grow up to be: an older gay man who STILL has emotional and substance abuse problems and whose dad had to pay for his rehab (which he didn't even finish). Apparently his partner drinks too and he was just kind of all around sad guy. Milicent left and Joseph is leaving in the morning...$10 says that Mili is already fucked up on benzos. Tomorrow is my 7th day sober and I can't remember the last time I've gone a week without drinking at all.
ps: I purposely didn't mention Mardi Gras, it's too painful to contemplate.
pps: Only being a little dramatic in the ps it definitely sucks.

Day 3

Today was kind of different. The snow was out of control so this morning we actually played Wii tennis for a while. I'm glad to say that I remain undefeated. Craig went crazy at dinner, well not crazy throwing chairs and shit but he was pretty upset. We had steak and shrimp and he's a vegetarian and got into it with the cooking lady Inger because only ever has salad and veggie burgers for him. So now he is saying that he's going to leave tomorrow. His loss but ho only has one week left so it doesn't seem worth it to me.
We got to use the phone for 10 minutes and I got to talk to my parents. My mom said that I sounded so much better and they were happy to talk to me. Diane will not shut the fuck up and it's getting really frustrating, especially because she's trying to be everyone's mom. Our A.A. meeting was lead by this crazy hippie John who is married to one of the CPA's Megan. Joseph is leaving tomorrow which sucks because he is too fine. I really want to go running but it's not a possibility. Oh and I've been sober for 5 whole days!

Day 2

My lame "model" roommate left today. Apparently no one was a very big fan as he was always trying to start shit with somebody. We went to a legit A.A. meeting and it was pretty straight. After the meeting we went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet for lunch. It was in Festival...of course. I had my first detox acupuncture session today. They put the needles in our ears and we laid on the floor listening to sounds of the ocean and Navajo music and whatnot. A crazy butch lesbian named Sandy came to lead the N.A. meeting. She might be the coolest person I've ever met. She was talking about how she only wears sweatpants because she can't handle ironing clothes because, and I quote: "You need creases and shit!"
But I digress. I'm feeling good and seriously thinking about a sober life; it's really exciting but intimidating. 26 days to go and I hope I'm ready by the end. I'm deeply depressed about Mardi Gras but I suppose it just wasn't meant to be. I hope Meredith gets the message and isn't too upset.

Day 1

Dear diary my teen angst bullshit has a body count... not really but it did land me in rehab. So far s'okay. I got out of lockup this morning which is something I hope to never repeat again. Since I made a half-assed attempt to cut my wrist with my teeth I was locked in the medical ward. I was by myself in a cell with the lights on 24/7 and no clock. I was in the cell from Friday until Monday around 11:00AM. My dad finally bailed me out ($3,000!!!) and gave me an ultimatum: rehab or jail; the choice was obvious. So here I am at Phoenix which is of course 10 minutes from Sam's house. Who knew that beautiful Edgewood, MD would be home to a scenic rehabilitation facility? So I'll be here for 28 days. Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

So this probably isn't news to most people that know me but I like to pretend my life is some kind of giant work of art. So in keeping with that get ready, over the next few weeks I will be posting the one, the only, the exclusive and unedited transcript of my rehab journal. Buckle up it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Do you think this needs stitches?

Had an amazing time at the show with Sam.

Not gonna lie, I'm nervous.

Kreeping Up With the Kardashians

So it's no secret to anyone that knows me that I have a sick obsession with reality television. I also make no secret of the fact that I love the Kardashians. I like nothing better than staying in and watching them fight, make up, and fight some more. However I've had a change of heart. Don't get me wrong I'm actually watching Kim and Kourtney take NY as I'm writing this. But ever since Kim announced her divorce from Kris Humphries (Frankenstein) I've been reevaluating my opinion. I think the problem really comes down to Kris Jenner...le sigh...I really don't even know where to start.

At first there was something about how transparent Kris Jenner's money-grubbing and fame-whoring that was almost endearing. She was sooo obvious with how much she values fame, however ill earned, and money that made me like her. We have that in common. However, it's gotten to such a ridiculous point. I mean that wedding was soooo tacky and over the top. I was into at first but it was so drawn out it just became depressing. Not to mention that if I can see Dina Lohan in the background shots your not doing a good job editing. Also Kim could've stuck it out for at least a year. I mean 72 days, are you fucking kidding me? Also they didn't even live together so it's really even less than 72 days. I'm still into Kourtney and Khloe because they keep it legit. But Kris Jenner you should be ashamed of yourself.

murky abyss

I'm lying in bed right now, totally exhausted. I hung out with Sam yesterday which was great as per usual. Although I got excruciating dry mouth when we were at the trail. Seriously I have never experienced anything like that before. I felt so retarded I could barely talk it was so uncomfortable. We got sushi which was tasty and saw some kitties that were super kawaii. I had work at 4 am till 1 which fucking sucked let me tell you. After work I tried to take a nap but it wasn't happening. Almost finished my Comm Tech paper, I'm on page 9 so just a page or 2 left. I talked to Soumya about it because I was freaking out a little but she assured me that I was doing it correctly. 8 more hours of work tomorrow and then I have to finish the paper. Can't wait for Friday, going to Silver Spring to see The Devil Wears Prada with Sam. I'm really really excited, I'm sure we'll have a great time. I listened to whitechapel and they were as brootal as he suggested. Should be a good night. On a side note I just now discovered Very Mary Kate. I implore you dear reader to youtube it immediately because it is some funny stuff.

Ponder this

So, when you said you would never spit in my mouth again was that like a hard never or is there some wiggle room?

you could do better

Whenever I think I have you figured out you surprise me

blunt blowin

I'm sitting in my room putting off a paper that I'm 1/3 of the way done. I'm so fucking tired of school I just want to get through the next year and be completely done with it. My dad is being an asshole. I'm seriously too old for this. Had I known then what I know now I would've never had my little "accident". I'm just ready to move on to bigger and better things. Saw Evan's play on Saturday. It was actually pretty good and he wasn't bad either. I went with Nicole from work and her friend Alicia and we had a good time. I have so much work to do this break : (. Hopefully hanging out with Sam at some point. I need to find my Jesus myspace shirt so I can wear it. That is all for now.

super happy fun time!

Blerg, I hate nights like this. I have to be at work at 4am so I'm just staying in tonight. I've been through my closet and got all the clothes I no longer want, bagged them up, and dropped them off in one of those goodwill dumpsters. Now I'm just sitting in my room lamenting...le sigh.

nothing get's between me and my calvin's

So I broke one of my cardinal rules today. I did something that I thought I would never, ever do...that's right I bought a pair of levi's. I've long held a very firm rule that I would never wear levi's jeans. For years I've been cramming my fat ass into designer jeans and just assuming I was supposed to muffin top like that. Well no longer! I went to Towson Town Center and bought a pair of tapered levi's 520's. They fit great, look good and were $60 which is everything I want in a pair of jeans. Huzzah!

MX4

Just got home. I have a paper to do but it's gonna be a little late, oh well. I got an A on the last one so I'm not too worried. Hungout with Sam tonight. We went for a walk and saw a movie at the Charles. I think he had a really good time. Side note: I'm watching the RHOBH and Camille just laid some truth down on Taylor about Russell. Anyways, we had a nice time. I'm glad we've been hanging out regularly I always have fun. I kind of acted like a goober at the end of the night. I'm sure it's cool though blerg. Going to see a play on Saturday. That's all for now.

birthday cake

had a really good night...really fucking good.

I would like to think of myself as the biggest extravaganza of them all

Kim Kardashian

oh5

Haven't listened to this song in years, still destroys me

All dressed up with nowhere to go

Do I come off as really desperate? I feel like I do a lot of the time and I don't mean to. I just hate playing games and being vague, I like honesty. I'd like to apologize to my captivated audience, I know I haven't updated in a while...oh wait not a single person reads this so it doesn't really matter. So I hung out with Sam last week. It went really well I think. We just sat at Starbucks and talked for a couple of hours. It's weird because it's almost like no time had passed at all since I'd last seen him. There were no awkward pauses. I forgot how much I just genuinely enjoy his company. I'm trying to hangout again but I feel like I'm sending the wrong message. Half the time I feel like I'm just bothering him but I know he had a good time too, I could feel it. The whole time we sat across from each other I could feel an electrical current. I actually had take a breath before I could drive off. Might see him tonight. Might not. Within the past week Evan and I have been up and down and up and down again and again. I'm just tired of it. I think right now that we're in a good, stable place and I hope it stays that way. I wish I could just read minds, I wouldn't talk so fucking much. I'd say for ever text I get from Sam I send him like 5 back. I know I sound like a crazy person half the time but I don't mean too. I'm probably just going to be by myself tonight as per usual. It's actually not that bad but I was hoping that I'd get to see him this weekend and chill some more. Am I expecting too much of this frail, fragile, fledgling, friendship (alliteration much?)? Probably but I don't know how else to be. I'm really just being myself. I think he's expecting me to drop the ball at some point but it's not going to happen obvi. Just keep moving forward like a motherfucking great white shark.

the value of x

I'm fucking tired. Exhausted. I thought I was loveable. I want to go to bed.

Back in the Saddle

Been a while...Sorry internet that I haven't been updating as frequently as I set out to do. That seems to be a running theme in blogs that I've written. Everything is pretty chill right now. I realize that's not very descriptive but IDGAF. That's how chill it is right now. I ending speaking to my syntax prof and thats all taken care of. So pretty much everything at school is going well. Work sucks. Been talking to Sam a lot. It's going well, he seems like he's loosening up a little. It's always nice when we chat. Might hangout in the near future.

shocktober

So I haven't updated in 2 weeks. Not too much is really going on. Sam and I are still texting which is cool. It's going well, he told me he doesn't want to rush anything which makes sense. It's nice being friendly. Evan and I are also friendly. I'm flush with friendliness lately. It's late. I'm tired. Parents leave for the beach in 6 hours so I have the house to my self for a week.

there's a glitch in the grid

Well, where to begin? So I just spent the last 2 hours working on my first real electronic design assignment. It was not fun. The actual assignment was pretty simple. All I had to do was code my resume in html5 in BBedit. Totally simple. However, after that I had to upload it to my personal webspace provided to me courtesy of the generosity of the University of Baltimore. This is where things got a little tricky. My prof did not mention that I would have to activate it first. I just assumed that when I added the html doc to my myfiles online that it would just work. I had to search all over the UB website to figure this out. Anyways I activated the fucker but apparently I have to wait up to 30 minutes for it to be authorized. I'm probably just gonna upload it in the morning since the hard part is now over and at the very worst I can call the school tech support tomorrow. Well now that that is taken care of onto the fun stuff. This Evan stuff has to come to an end because it is just stressing me out too much. I'm really going to try and make this friendship work. I don't even know why my feelings are so hurt, I'm the one that wanted to break up in the first place. I guess its kind of a blow to my ego that he replaced me so quickly. C'est la vie. I'm going to take a page out of Sam's book on this one and just focus on positive things. And what is the positive aspect of this situation? I get to keep a close friend and that is pretty cool. Lolz Judy Blume much? Speaking of Sam we spoke briefly over text last night. I texted him to let him know that Gucci was sentenced to 6 months for pushing a woman out of a speeding car. Now this is how paranoid I am about our new fragile friendship. I texted him and he didn't text me back for a while. Now, unlike a normal person who would've probably just assumed that he was busy, or out, or his phone was off I stressed out for 2 hours and then texted him that I was sorry for bothering him. He immediately got back to me and said that he was sorry he had been out but and thanks for letting him know. All perfectly normal yet I was sweating bullets about it. I'm definitely going to try and take a chill pill about this whole thing. If it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and I just have to live with that. To think of where we were last year and where we are right now I should just be content with the strides I've made. I really do need to relax about all of this stuff. Anyways I was invited to Simi's birthday party next week. I really want to go and see everyone but I'm honestly not sure that I should go. Yes I was invited but I'm really more of a friend of a friend and now that I'm not with Evan I don't know how tenuous that relationship is. As far as I'm concerned it's still up in the air and I probably won't know until the day of. I called Lindsay and asked what she thought. She said that if I want to go I should and just stay for like 30 min or an hour. Just stop by, say hi to everyone, mooch some freeze pops and leave with my dignity. Fuck it, I'll figure it out later I'm probably just over thinking everything again. XXXO

4 O'clock in the fucking morning

So here I am lying in bed, can't sleep. Texted a little with Sam tonight which was nice. I really want to hangout with him but I don't want to push anything. Told Evan I want my stuff back so we're supposed to meet up Friday to exchange things. Don't know how I feel about it. Don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I'm not really sure what direction I need to be going in. This post is pretty boring, I know, but I just felt like scrawling some nonsense into the ether. Haven't written my Obama article yet which means I'll have to do it in the morning. Got 2 cute shirts at H&M yesterday. A purple polo and a long sleeved grey pullover thing. Weight was at an all time low this morning: 222. Jesus, when I write it down like that it seems so big but it's really not I suppose. According to my calculations I have lost 28 lbs since winter. Next step is to buy some good denim. Like some really good fucking denim. Typing that out just made me giggle a little, not sure why. Does this count as stream of consciousness f I'm just typing whatever comes to mind? And if it does does that make me like Wheezy? Hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like if I was more like Lil Wayne. I guess I'd be rich and famous and I could act as ridiculous as possible and people would fucking love me for it. I wore the white shorts I bought from abercrombie today. The finally fit and the waist is 36 so I must be doing something right.

hello, kitty

Season Finale

UGhhhhh...I suck at this. Why am I jealous that Evan is going on dates with someone? Actually that's really easy because I'm alone. I know how petty that makes me sounds but I guess I'm just petty then. We're actually having a long conversation about it right now. This whole thing is just depressing. I honestly didn't think this through, I don't know why I thought that we would be able to keep acting the way we were forever. I just get so used to people and situations that when they are altered I really have trouble dealing with it. I need someone like Meredith here right now. We'd probably get into some goofy shenanigans by now that would make me feel better. But I digress.
So the True Blood season finale was tongiht (hence the blog title) and it did not disappoint. I was trying to come up with puns about how it didn't "suck" but I guess that would've been too obvious. On a side note I've been thinking about Geo and freshman year a lot lately.

Sean McDonoughposted toGerard Romantique

missing you like woah lately

• • 

    Gerard Romantique ♥. But the person you miss is gone now. This new version of me is quite fun, tho!!! ;-) Hope you're well, lover.

    8 minutes ago ·
  • 

    Sean McDonough well I need version 2.0 then

    7 minutes ago ·
  • 

    Gerard Romantique You'll download soon enough. ♥

    6 minutes ago ·

But seriously how fucking cute is that? Sometimes I think he's like my fairy godfather (pun unintended). Every now and then when I'm down Geo sends me some kind of wisdom. TYFYT.

10 hours later

So I worked from 10:40am until 9:15pm. I'm so tired and I have to be back tomorrow. The only reason I agreed to do this is because Erin's wedding is next Saturday and I needed the hours. Speaking of I cannot wait for this wedding. Lindsay is my plus 1 and it should be a really fun night. It's at Hilendale of course so I'm sure everything will be more than adequate. So I talked to Sam 2 nights ago. I think it went really well. We sort of just caught up and I got to apologize over the phone and I've never said it to him before. I told him about Dawn and Jen and we shared a laugh. He said that it was really nice so I'm pretty happy. Seeing as we haven't seen each other or spoken in year and a half it was pretty cool. To be honest I'm terrified of fucking this up. He said he doesn't hate me he just doesn't know how to be friendly with me. I totally understand that but I'd like to hangout sometime in the near future. UB is going well I guess. In Electronic Design my prof shut down this weird older black guy who was trying to pick a fight wit him. I bummed a cig off this nice girl. I think her name is Maleek (BTW: I think this is Khloe Kardashian's best friends name so that's pretty cool(update: actually KK's friends name is Malika but that's pretty close)). We talked about Tim Burton and she told me that I'm just a baby when I said I felt super old at 24. It made me feel a littler better. Lost a little bit more weight which I'm happy with. Would like to lose another 15lbs and tone up by Christmas. The season finale of True Blood is tomorrow and I'm post excited. Boardwalk Empire starts really soon and I can't wait for that either. I guess that's all I've got for right now.

stranded in gayville

Evan just told me that he went on a date with someone last night. And they are already writing cute gay nonsense on each others wall. I threw up immediately after finding out. Not sure why. I'm not sick it was just kind of a shock and I couldn't help myself. I thought we could stay really close and good friends but I'm not sure I can handle it now. I didn't really think this far down the road and I doubt I'll be capable of interacting pleasantly with his boyfriend should he go that route. Oh well. Eekster beekster.

garbage song title

It's raining...I'm getting ready for work and just thought I'd post something small before I have to leave. I need to find some new friends ASAP. I don't know how much time I'm going to be hanging out with Evan and the other bros at 2K now that we've legit broken up. Jess and I are cool which is good but I still want some other stuff to do. Grrr do not want to go to work right now, Jerry's the manager which is going to be lame. Oh well. TTFN

One day someone will read this blog and my diary and wonder about my descent into madness. The next year and a half is so crucial to the rest of my life and I'm tremendously nervous about all of it. I have to do really well at UB. Evan and I are officially over now. I'm not sure how to feel about it. We're still really close which is great but I wish I could've been the person he really needed. I miss Sam. It's weird putting that down in writing but it's true. I keep hoping that one day he'll call me out of the blue and we'll be able to start over. I wish my past was different. I know they say you shouldn't wallow in your mistakes and to just move forward but it's so hard sometimes. I'm really proud of where I am now. I keep looking forward but I can't get past him either. I know that I don't want to. I keep clinging to the idea that this will work itself out and we'll find each other again and that he'll forgive me. I don't know if this is going to happen or not and my stomach fills with knots with that thought. I'm consumed with fear that I really did go to far and he won't be able to get past it. I can understand if he can't because I know how awful I was but I'm still scared. I've built this imaginary life in my head and some of the pieces are falling into place but not all of them. I'm trying to keep faith but it gets harder everyday.

well things are certainly upside down when my ex-boyfriend/current friend is giving me advice about my other ex.

one more summer

Well summer is basically over. To be honest I'm pretty happy to be past most of it. I'm starting UB in a little more than a week and miraculously I only have 3 semesters left. I broke up with Evan a few weeks ago. We're still friends. I saw Britney Spears a few weeks ago at the Verizon Center. It was fucking amazing. I had so much and it was probably the high light of my summer. I'm excited for fall. Hopefully I'll be working somewhere new and undertaking some new projects. Oh and X wrote back...

I smile when I'm angry, I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do to get by.
But I know what is right and I know what is wrong,
and I'd die for the truth in my secret life.

fucked in the head

I know I shouldn't and I know that there's no way it could ever happen but...I can dream can't I? I don't think I'm being too disingenuous but I guess I am. Sometimes life is just so fucking confusing. Obviously this doesn't make any sense at all but as no one reads this blog I don't really think it matters. I could probably spill all of my secrets here and no one would ever know... I don't even want to use pronouns here. What's a boy to do?

24 years bold

Happy birthday to me... So I am officially old but I'm dating someone younger to compensate for that... Friday Lindsay and I went to Yamato and gorged ourselves on $62 of sushi...yeah it was a herculean amount but we managed to devour all of it. We ended up seeing Jack and Nicole Friday night. It was actually a little bizarre at first because they both proceeded to ignore both of us for a while to play games on Jacks library ipad. Saturday after work Evan came over and gave me some obscene presents. A my chemical romance stationary set, a sophisticated panda tshirt and last but certainly not least....AN AUTOGRAPHED FIRST EDITION OF "THE VALUE OF X" BY POPPY Z. BRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...I'm so utterly in awe of this gift I don't even know what to say. It's perfect, truly and utterly perfect. That book means so much to me for so many reasons (some good some bad) that the gesture of him giving it to me cannot be expressed in words. This is something I want to be buried with and that I will selfishly hold onto and care for above all my other possessions. Oh and I also got a bike from my parents in addition to the Elton John tickets(ps: he was amazing!) Sunday night I went to the Glassjaw show with Brian and......yeah. Glassjaw was awesome and I got to hangout with Caitlin and Emily whilst simultaneously running into Palace but there was a glitch. Sam was there with his friends and proceeded to ignore me with a vengeance the entire night. I'm not really upset by it but I thought that at this point we could maybe be cordial and friendly. I shouldn't be surprised I don't know how I would handle the situation had I been in his shoes and I'm probably expecting to much. It's not like I can just run up and say "Hi, I'm better now please be my friend!". I just don't know how I feel about never seeing him ever again. It's a harsh reality that I'm sure I'll eventually have to face but right now I'm still on a high from my birthday and my impending graduation. Maybe seeing Suckerpunch with Evan tonight, sometimes I feel that if he didn't hold me tight I would just drift out into space. I feel so disassociated and desensitized so much of the time that he sometimes seems like my only link to humanity.