One day someone will read this blog and my diary and wonder about my descent into madness. The next year and a half is so crucial to the rest of my life and I'm tremendously nervous about all of it. I have to do really well at UB. Evan and I are officially over now. I'm not sure how to feel about it. We're still really close which is great but I wish I could've been the person he really needed. I miss Sam. It's weird putting that down in writing but it's true. I keep hoping that one day he'll call me out of the blue and we'll be able to start over. I wish my past was different. I know they say you shouldn't wallow in your mistakes and to just move forward but it's so hard sometimes. I'm really proud of where I am now. I keep looking forward but I can't get past him either. I know that I don't want to. I keep clinging to the idea that this will work itself out and we'll find each other again and that he'll forgive me. I don't know if this is going to happen or not and my stomach fills with knots with that thought. I'm consumed with fear that I really did go to far and he won't be able to get past it. I can understand if he can't because I know how awful I was but I'm still scared. I've built this imaginary life in my head and some of the pieces are falling into place but not all of them. I'm trying to keep faith but it gets harder everyday.