Moo Years

Disregard that last post. I'll be completely honest I had a mini breakdown. I know many of you see me as a towering pillar of masculinity but I actually had a nice long cry. Oh and this wasn't like cinematic single tears glistening on my cheeks either. I'm talking about a really ugly, gross cry with the heaving and the snot and everything. I was just feeling really overwhelmed today and it suddenly came over me. I'm feeling good though, 2012 is going to be my year, I can fucking feel it. Expect a much longer post, maybe later today, I want to recap my 2011. You won't want to miss it, there's going to be a little something for everyone.

Just a heads up I'm thinking about discontinuing blogging. It just seems pretty fucking pointless to continue updating 2 people about the non-existent interesting things I don't do. I'm feeling very disillusioned and disenchanted to be honest. Things aren't really working out the way I thought they would. Life sucks. So do I. So does this blog.

I know I haven't blogged for real in a while but I promise I'll do something this week. I've just been feeling "meg" in general. Oh and I meant "meg" not "meh", as in I've been feeling like Meg Ryan after she fucked up her career and nobody likes her anymore.

Got a tattoo today.
ouch.

Oh and it's Christmas, even my usual greed and selfishness doesn't feel as good as it normally does.

I need a fucking reality check.

Goddamn I'm so hood

pandamonium

I'm so sick and tired of all these pictures of me (not)

T.G.I.F.

It's Friday night.
I'm home alone eating candy and rereading The Bonfire of the Vanities and listening to Cinema on repeat.
...
Yeah, it's like that.

News Flash

I have to go to work in an hour, barf, I have a little bit of a sinus infection and I'm trying to finish a term paper. However, I got my grade yesterday for my huge Communication Technologies term paper...276/300!!!!!! That translates to a 92% which is fucking amazing. I really thought I dropped the ball so it's a relief getting that grade. In other news Sam's present gets here on Friday and it's beyond amazing. I'm pretty proud of myself for this one I just hope he likes it as much as I do. With so much good going on right now it pains me to admit that one friends is being less than friendly. I don't really care about it though I'm just going to continue to focus on me and all the great stuff that is happening right now.

took this in class last week

Day 16

Rainy days and Mondays...how does that song go? Oh well it's a rainy Tuesday anyways. Unfortunately Sandy is in Myrtle beach with my counselor Sue (who is in fact a large lady loving lady herself, I'll alert the media) so tonight's speakers were nothing special. We had an abysmally long men's group with the EMRD guy before going to the "lunch bunch" for an outside meeting. The highlight was the usual pizza which was like a delicious mouthful of freedom. Dustin's "fare thee well" was today as he is leaving tomorrow. Definitely going to miss him, my original group is shrinking by the day. I've been so sleepy lately, I guess that's what happens when my blood isn't 50% Svedka. I received a delightfully serious and encouraging letter from Aunt Kathy and she totally knows her shit as she is 5 years clean. We watched a very long and very boring movie called "Clean and Sober" which starred Micheal Keaton, Morgan Freeman, and the slutty divorcee from "Edward Scissorhands". That's all I got.

Day 15

Score! I'm past the halfway mark and heading towards the finish line (ED: I just reread this for the first time in I don't know how long, who the fuck am I Lance Armstrong?) We had an extended accu-detox session with Sue's mentor Teal. Seriously this bitch is named Teal...just let that sink in for a minute. I really prefer Teal's pinning method, she just sort of slides the needles in and is much more gentle. We also did PTSD visualization meditation which I liked a lot. I went on a trip through my heart (literally). My dad dropped off cigarettes and shaving cream thank God. I got a card from my mom and a letter from my dad. In his letter he laid down the law but it's reasonable and understandable. Besides, I need to let go of my crazy bullshit anyway. We had a great speaker tonight who sold the siding off of his trailer for drug money. Thankfully I never reached that point, but then again I've never had a trailer to sell siding off of so who knows. Seriously cannot wait to go home, 3/8 can't come soon enough.
(ED: okay so this entry had a ps to it but you aren't going to read it. I know I try to be all about artistic honesty and all that bullshit but it's super personal and I can't bare to have anyone read it. I'm sure you'll get over it dear reader. Stay tuned though I'm sure my personal foibles and and faux pas's will be enough to keep you entertained.)

Day 14

What's up diary? Hard dicks and helicopters (that's what everyone here says). I've officially hit the halfway point! Thank Christ too because I cannot wait to get out of here. Both of my parents came today and we had a great time. I'm so happy that I got to see my dad, we were laughing a lot. He said that my court date is 4/20, figures right? But he said that he would take care of everything. My car is all fixed up and he's getting the tags tomorrow which is extra spicy. Arghh I want to go home so badly. I can't believe I haven't had a phone or internet for 2 weeks. I'm afraid to see how many messages I have since I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I bet people think I died or something.

Day 13

So today was Saturday and the big event was art therapy. We had four panels and our choice of medium to depict our life story...fuck me gently with a chainsaw, if you could see my face right now. I chose watercolors. Talked to my parents and checked my voice mail. I had 2 messages from Meredith's dad and 1 from her brother. Apparently she lost her phone and they didn't know where she was. It sounded serious and I'm worried but hopefully everything turned out okay. Maybe Mer will be checking into PRC pretty soon. That's about it because today was boring as shit. Luckily I get to see both of my parents tomorrow. Side note, I am running dangerously low on cigarettes (ED: hey this is Sean from the future or present or wherever the fuck I am right now but I just want to let my faithful readers know that in my original hand written entry it took me 3 tries to spell cigarettes correctly, seriously I crossed out 2 attempts before figuring it out.) Also Aunt Kathy has been checking up on me which is sweet because she came through here 5 years ago and has been sober ever since.

Day 12

T.G.I.F. bitches! Not really because weekends are the most boring time here. Today was the usual, we went to a lunch bunch A.A. meeting and they told the same old stories but oh well. We had Mike's "fare thee well" today and he left around 8:00 PM. Definitely going to miss him he was a cool guy. I've been giving Jess a hard time, telling her fucked up stuff to do to me but she always laughs (interjection: my roommate and Chris are doing pushups and talking about "bomb-ass" pussy. Yikes). Dan is so fucking gross and totally retarded, he's like a giant dumb ape. The new people are a mix of cool and totally lame. Honestly, not that much has happened toady. Can't wait for phone time tomorrow and Sunday (I must not call him).

Day 11

So today was pretty good. We had an outside meeting in Havre de Grace (barf) to celebrate CPA Kris's 13th anniversary of sobriety. She was really happy and it was great to be able to share it with her. I'm in a much better mood I got a card from Memom and the best letter from my dad. He took off the protective order so I am legally allowed to go back in the house and he can't wait to see me on Sunday! The new people are cool, Rusty was my spades partner and we did really well. Also Dustin and I talked a lot and he's really cool, we actually know a bunch of the same people. This one new older guy is totally gross I could die. Talked a lot about the 9th step which is about making amends. I miss Sam. I'm such a fuck up it makes me sick. Hindsight is truly 20/20. Maybe one day...but I have no one to blame but myself. Week 2 is almost over thank God because I'm really missing home.

Day 10

So it's day 10 and cabin fever has officially set in. I feel great I'm just getting a little restless but I'm sure it will pass. Today we played Wii again and Chris handed me my ass in tennis. We had the normal group stuff and accu-detox. We got a ton more people and guess what? I finally have a roommate, lucky me. His name is Taylor and he was here before me and got kicked out for the infamous shaving cream incident. But not he's back with a vengeance. Oh and he used to shoot black tar heroin. Gloria leaves tomorrow and that sucks the rigid cock of satan. We watched a "recovery comedian". He was a little funny and a lot lame. Sue gave me a list of Baltimore county meetings and there's a couple right on Paper Mill Rd. so that's a very good thing. I'm positive that I'm going to quit Bill Kidd's, it's just such a negative environment. I'm probably fired anyways not that it matters. The only person I would miss is Deneen. Playing spades now so I"ll catch up with you tomorrow. One more thing, I'm actually feeling kind of down. I feel left out and I really miss home. On the verge of misery. Think positive.
PS: I wonder if he knows where I am.

Day 9

Today was Tuesday and you know what that means: my favorite speaker Sandy! But more on that later. This morning we went to an outside meeting at the Manhouse. After the A.A. meeting we had Gloria's "fare thee well" and it was pretty amazing hearing her life story and it really nailed it in that I'm going to miss her. Mike bailed on kitchen duty so I did it myself and it really wasn't that big of a deal. We watched "Regarding Henry" starring America's sweetheart Harrison Ford. It was kind of a downer but ultimately uplifting I suppose. Oh, but on the plus side Mr. Ford showed some restraint and dint' go full retard. Sandy came in with a woman named Dawn, in fact she's the only Dawn I've ever liked. She had an amazing story about crack and whatnot. The new people are post lame so far especially the guy Dan. He always has some gross shit in the corner's of his mouth. Watching "Talladega Nights" now, catch you on the flip side.

Day 8

So today begins week 2 here at PRC. Amanda leaves tomorrow at 6:00 AM which sucks. Amanda looks just like Nicole Richie but she's a crackhead, so actually they have that in common. We got three new people today, two older sad looking women and this younger guy Dan. Apparently he's already been to PRC twice before. He sort of lied about detoxing so they gave him Valium and he is capital "F" fucked up. He said that he spent $5,000 at the Gold Club the other night and I don't doubt that, he seems like the kind of person who would do that. Oh and Chuck went to the hospital again because they wouldn't give him the pills that he wanted. We had a men's gender group that focused on post-treatment relationships and how they can trigger use. It's certainly something to think about, oh wait I don't have a relationship. Hip hip hooray...not! Had the usual groups and the sober living is really starting to sink in. Everyone says that after the 2nd week the time goes by pretty quickly. I can't wait to get home but being here right now is completely necessary. I think we have an outside meeting tomorrow so I'll pick there.
PS: Amanda told me this once: "Where there's coke there's crack and where there's crack there's me!"
She really loves her crack.

Day 7

Today was family day and my mom came. Bill, the speaker, hauled ass out of there as it's Valentine's day so we got about an hour and a half to talk and hangout. My mom commented that it was probably the most we had talked in like a year. I was great to see her and just talk. We hugged thrice and she headed out but she'll be back with my dad next Sunday. Krystle left just before the meeting started. Tonight our A.A. meeting was lead by a really great guy. He spent 25 years in maximum security prison for 3 murders. He killed people that had killed his mother. He was one of the most humble people I've ever met. Well not that much to talk about as we're playing spades right now.

Day 6

You'd think that on Saturday we would get to do something fun, but alas, this was not the case. In fact today was an excruciating and seemingly never ending exercise in boredom. We had a very long three hour group about relapse prevention. I'm becoming redundant but the speaker was putting everybody to sleep. Luckily during the session I got to make my weekly 10 minute phone call. I managed to check my voice mail (4 messages!) and call Lindsay, my mom, and my dad. One of the speakers at tonight's A.A. meeting killed someone once driving drunk: seriously scary stuff. Krystle leaves tomorrow and I am sad. So many people leave this coming week that they better ship in some new crazies. Meredith left me a really distraught and touching message. I feel terrible that I couldn't tell her myself what was going on. I miss her but hopefully she is drink some chartreuse for me. My mom is coming tomorrow for family day.

Day 5

Today was pretty uneventful. We did 3 "fare thee wells" today for Krystle, Bill, and Mike (the tattooed sexy one). I'm sad to see all 3 of them go, especially Krystle she's totally my buddy. We went out today for an A.A. meeting at the Manhouse (sound like a gay bath house, I know). Diane is starting to be quiet and she is sticking to herself. I think she knows that nobody really likes her. Three guys with not that much sober time came in tonight for another meeting. All three seemed pretty miserable and unenthusiastic but they might have been nervous as two of them were really young. I got a card from my mom in them ail which really made me feel good. She was so sweet and it's great to read that she still believes in me. Chuck had to go to the hospital during our Fr. Mark video. He hasn't been getting better but he probably just wanted to score some Valium. Jealous. Well we're watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" so I'll catch up with you tomorrow.

Day 4

Today was kind of boring. Craig left and a few people were upset but honestly I wasn't too sad to see him go. He was kind of a reminder of the person I don't want to grow up to be: an older gay man who STILL has emotional and substance abuse problems and whose dad had to pay for his rehab (which he didn't even finish). Apparently his partner drinks too and he was just kind of all around sad guy. Milicent left and Joseph is leaving in the morning...$10 says that Mili is already fucked up on benzos. Tomorrow is my 7th day sober and I can't remember the last time I've gone a week without drinking at all.
ps: I purposely didn't mention Mardi Gras, it's too painful to contemplate.
pps: Only being a little dramatic in the ps it definitely sucks.

Day 3

Today was kind of different. The snow was out of control so this morning we actually played Wii tennis for a while. I'm glad to say that I remain undefeated. Craig went crazy at dinner, well not crazy throwing chairs and shit but he was pretty upset. We had steak and shrimp and he's a vegetarian and got into it with the cooking lady Inger because only ever has salad and veggie burgers for him. So now he is saying that he's going to leave tomorrow. His loss but ho only has one week left so it doesn't seem worth it to me.
We got to use the phone for 10 minutes and I got to talk to my parents. My mom said that I sounded so much better and they were happy to talk to me. Diane will not shut the fuck up and it's getting really frustrating, especially because she's trying to be everyone's mom. Our A.A. meeting was lead by this crazy hippie John who is married to one of the CPA's Megan. Joseph is leaving tomorrow which sucks because he is too fine. I really want to go running but it's not a possibility. Oh and I've been sober for 5 whole days!

Day 2

My lame "model" roommate left today. Apparently no one was a very big fan as he was always trying to start shit with somebody. We went to a legit A.A. meeting and it was pretty straight. After the meeting we went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet for lunch. It was in Festival...of course. I had my first detox acupuncture session today. They put the needles in our ears and we laid on the floor listening to sounds of the ocean and Navajo music and whatnot. A crazy butch lesbian named Sandy came to lead the N.A. meeting. She might be the coolest person I've ever met. She was talking about how she only wears sweatpants because she can't handle ironing clothes because, and I quote: "You need creases and shit!"
But I digress. I'm feeling good and seriously thinking about a sober life; it's really exciting but intimidating. 26 days to go and I hope I'm ready by the end. I'm deeply depressed about Mardi Gras but I suppose it just wasn't meant to be. I hope Meredith gets the message and isn't too upset.

Day 1

Dear diary my teen angst bullshit has a body count... not really but it did land me in rehab. So far s'okay. I got out of lockup this morning which is something I hope to never repeat again. Since I made a half-assed attempt to cut my wrist with my teeth I was locked in the medical ward. I was by myself in a cell with the lights on 24/7 and no clock. I was in the cell from Friday until Monday around 11:00AM. My dad finally bailed me out ($3,000!!!) and gave me an ultimatum: rehab or jail; the choice was obvious. So here I am at Phoenix which is of course 10 minutes from Sam's house. Who knew that beautiful Edgewood, MD would be home to a scenic rehabilitation facility? So I'll be here for 28 days. Hopefully there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

So this probably isn't news to most people that know me but I like to pretend my life is some kind of giant work of art. So in keeping with that get ready, over the next few weeks I will be posting the one, the only, the exclusive and unedited transcript of my rehab journal. Buckle up it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Do you think this needs stitches?

Had an amazing time at the show with Sam.

Not gonna lie, I'm nervous.

Kreeping Up With the Kardashians

So it's no secret to anyone that knows me that I have a sick obsession with reality television. I also make no secret of the fact that I love the Kardashians. I like nothing better than staying in and watching them fight, make up, and fight some more. However I've had a change of heart. Don't get me wrong I'm actually watching Kim and Kourtney take NY as I'm writing this. But ever since Kim announced her divorce from Kris Humphries (Frankenstein) I've been reevaluating my opinion. I think the problem really comes down to Kris Jenner...le sigh...I really don't even know where to start.

At first there was something about how transparent Kris Jenner's money-grubbing and fame-whoring that was almost endearing. She was sooo obvious with how much she values fame, however ill earned, and money that made me like her. We have that in common. However, it's gotten to such a ridiculous point. I mean that wedding was soooo tacky and over the top. I was into at first but it was so drawn out it just became depressing. Not to mention that if I can see Dina Lohan in the background shots your not doing a good job editing. Also Kim could've stuck it out for at least a year. I mean 72 days, are you fucking kidding me? Also they didn't even live together so it's really even less than 72 days. I'm still into Kourtney and Khloe because they keep it legit. But Kris Jenner you should be ashamed of yourself.

murky abyss

I'm lying in bed right now, totally exhausted. I hung out with Sam yesterday which was great as per usual. Although I got excruciating dry mouth when we were at the trail. Seriously I have never experienced anything like that before. I felt so retarded I could barely talk it was so uncomfortable. We got sushi which was tasty and saw some kitties that were super kawaii. I had work at 4 am till 1 which fucking sucked let me tell you. After work I tried to take a nap but it wasn't happening. Almost finished my Comm Tech paper, I'm on page 9 so just a page or 2 left. I talked to Soumya about it because I was freaking out a little but she assured me that I was doing it correctly. 8 more hours of work tomorrow and then I have to finish the paper. Can't wait for Friday, going to Silver Spring to see The Devil Wears Prada with Sam. I'm really really excited, I'm sure we'll have a great time. I listened to whitechapel and they were as brootal as he suggested. Should be a good night. On a side note I just now discovered Very Mary Kate. I implore you dear reader to youtube it immediately because it is some funny stuff.

Ponder this

So, when you said you would never spit in my mouth again was that like a hard never or is there some wiggle room?